Archive for the ‘Bodily Functions’ Category
I know my drugs. Don’t ask me how.
Monday, July 6th, 2009
I woke up congested. The kind of congested that makes you unrecognizable. This is probably because I thought it would be brilliant to leave my windows open overnight instead of using A/C. This is a great idea in, say, Iowa. Stupid idea when you’re 100 feet from the WTC site and about 11 other construction sites.
All day, my gay wanted to shop for cologne, of all things. I couldn’t stop sneezing. Finally, I convinced him he had to try the cologne at C.O Bigelow, that way I could get some pills from the pharmacy in the back.
Backstory: My parents met when they worked as pharmacists in a hospital. I was raised in a prescription-only pharmacy they later opened. I learned to count with a pill-counter, my real-world first word was Actifed, and I would make sugar pills for fun after school. So, I kind of know drugs and know what I want in my drugs.
I asked the C.O. Bigelow pharmacist all about each of the decongestants. I figured since the place was a little fancy, a little old-timey, they might carry some things that other drugstores wouldn’t. Some discontinued strong stuff. I asked if they had the original version of Sudafed, and how many milligrams of pseudoephedrine was in the other allergy-relief pills they carried. I drop a couple other cool words like “contraindicated” and “post-nasal.”
I thought I sounded, at worst, annoying. At best, well- informed. However, I slowly started to realize he thought I was a methhead. He was asking all the classic “Ask a methhead” questions, like what my symptoms were, if I had identification, what state I lived in, etc.
I really wanted to bust balls and play along. Start scratching and picking at my hair. Asking where the batteries were. But, methheads are sad, and not “Sad Panda sad,” so the softie in me won and I didn’t make funnies about drug addicts…this time.
Being that I’m not the edgiest person on Earth, though, it was a little fun knowing this guy thought I was committing a crime. For 3-4 minutes, someone thought I was a badass. I’ll take my thrills where I can get ‘em.
Meth stuff aka Central Florida Stocking Stuffers
Tags: drugs, kids and drugs, labs, meth, meth labs, methheads, nose, pharmacy, pills, Sudafed
Posted in Bodily Functions, For Reals, Geniuses, Ha, Life | No Comments »
Sad Panda Sadness
Monday, July 6th, 2009
Some things are sad. Some things are “Sad Panda sad.” “Sad Panda sad” is an adorable kind of sad. The kind of sad that still makes the corners of your mouth turn up, just so. Such was the week I didn’t have toilet paper.
I ran out of tp, and put “buy more tp” on my mental list of things to do. My mental list also includes: ways to eat more protein while eating less food, witty yet disarming things I’ll say to Ryan Gosling when we finally meet, the names of our kids, people to leave out of my Emmy/Oscar/Grammy acceptance speeches because they suck, and a reminder to check and see if there’s an Olympic sport in which my flexibility would be considered a winning asset…other than gymnastics. Point is, when things get on my mental list, they can easily get lost.
So, hour after hour, I forgot to buy toilet paper. I though about going green, and using cloth napkins, but was quickly disgusted by the thought. (For the record, I think cloth diapers are gross too. ) “What did you use to cleanse your bits?,” you ask. Naturally, I used “Sleek Sensation Cleansing & Makeup Removal Wipes.”
I bought these for the times when I’m too lazy to actually wash my face. The wipes feel and seem a lot like baby wipes, so I figured, “What’s the harm?” The package says they’re “ophthalmogically and dermatologically tested.” I figured, if they’re good for the face, they’re good for my gander.
So I used them, and used them well. I intended daily to go get toilet paper, but still kept forgetting. I guess deep down, I just didn’t have a sense of urgency about the situation. (I suppose I’d wiped away my sense of urgency with aloe and chamomile, with panthenol for tissue repair.) Plus, it seemed kind of indulgent to use these wipes where the sun don’t shine. It’s a recession. I’ll take luxury where I can get it.
Then I finally ran out of the wipes, and I had to get my self together and head to a CVS. I went to the cabinet where I store my shopping bags, and in there were 8 rolls of super-soft, thick TOILET PAPER. They’d been there the whole time.
Sign # 8736 that my life is Sad Panda Sad. (If I wasn’t me, I’d adopt me. To save me from myself.)
Tags: 8 rolls, forgetful, front to back, ingenuity, panthenol, sensation, sensational, skin, sleek, Terence Howard, tested, toilet paper, wipes, wiping
Posted in Bodily Functions, Geniuses, Ha, Life, Technique | 1 Comment »
Sign of genius life
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
Who says there are no more geniuses in the world? I mean, I suppose Mark Zuckerberg and Kathy Griffin sort of count, but not until today was I sure that genius still lives.
Case in point – the guy that invented this:
http://www.instructables.com/id/The-Twittering-Office-Chair/
Yes. A chair that tweets your farts.
I, for one, do not fart and therefore will never need this. But I respect it, no, I REVERE it! Farts are funny, tweeting your farts is amazing. People that don’t agree can eat a D. I was raised with a healthy dose of fart humor. It was classy and country club appropriate, of course, but still pretty awesome for a kid. Then, somehow, for three years, I was forbidden to enter the comedic paradise of gas jokes. My now ex-boyfriend hated the word “fart,” said it was worse than any bad word in the world, and did not allow it to be uttered in his presence.
IN-SANE.
I am now free from that abuse, and able to talk about farts all I want. If I want to call my sweet dear old Daddy in Florida and tell him about this horrible stranger fart I walked into in a store, I can! He’ll probably tell me about a “silent but violent” one he ripped on the back 9. He’s old and crazy like that. He’ll probably build a Twittering Office Chair. An invention by geniuses…for geniuses.
Tags: awesome furniture, chair, fart, farts, gas, pfffft, silent but violent, sticks up butts, Twitter
Posted in Bodily Functions, For Reals, Geniuses, Ha | 1 Comment »