Archive for the ‘Ha’ Category
I know my drugs. Don’t ask me how.
Monday, July 6th, 2009
I woke up congested. The kind of congested that makes you unrecognizable. This is probably because I thought it would be brilliant to leave my windows open overnight instead of using A/C. This is a great idea in, say, Iowa. Stupid idea when you’re 100 feet from the WTC site and about 11 other construction sites.
All day, my gay wanted to shop for cologne, of all things. I couldn’t stop sneezing. Finally, I convinced him he had to try the cologne at C.O Bigelow, that way I could get some pills from the pharmacy in the back.
Backstory: My parents met when they worked as pharmacists in a hospital. I was raised in a prescription-only pharmacy they later opened. I learned to count with a pill-counter, my real-world first word was Actifed, and I would make sugar pills for fun after school. So, I kind of know drugs and know what I want in my drugs.
I asked the C.O. Bigelow pharmacist all about each of the decongestants. I figured since the place was a little fancy, a little old-timey, they might carry some things that other drugstores wouldn’t. Some discontinued strong stuff. I asked if they had the original version of Sudafed, and how many milligrams of pseudoephedrine was in the other allergy-relief pills they carried. I drop a couple other cool words like “contraindicated” and “post-nasal.”
I thought I sounded, at worst, annoying. At best, well- informed. However, I slowly started to realize he thought I was a methhead. He was asking all the classic “Ask a methhead” questions, like what my symptoms were, if I had identification, what state I lived in, etc.
I really wanted to bust balls and play along. Start scratching and picking at my hair. Asking where the batteries were. But, methheads are sad, and not “Sad Panda sad,” so the softie in me won and I didn’t make funnies about drug addicts…this time.
Being that I’m not the edgiest person on Earth, though, it was a little fun knowing this guy thought I was committing a crime. For 3-4 minutes, someone thought I was a badass. I’ll take my thrills where I can get ‘em.
Meth stuff aka Central Florida Stocking Stuffers
Tags: drugs, kids and drugs, labs, meth, meth labs, methheads, nose, pharmacy, pills, Sudafed
Posted in Bodily Functions, For Reals, Geniuses, Ha, Life | No Comments »
Sad Panda Sadness
Monday, July 6th, 2009
Some things are sad. Some things are “Sad Panda sad.” “Sad Panda sad” is an adorable kind of sad. The kind of sad that still makes the corners of your mouth turn up, just so. Such was the week I didn’t have toilet paper.
I ran out of tp, and put “buy more tp” on my mental list of things to do. My mental list also includes: ways to eat more protein while eating less food, witty yet disarming things I’ll say to Ryan Gosling when we finally meet, the names of our kids, people to leave out of my Emmy/Oscar/Grammy acceptance speeches because they suck, and a reminder to check and see if there’s an Olympic sport in which my flexibility would be considered a winning asset…other than gymnastics. Point is, when things get on my mental list, they can easily get lost.
So, hour after hour, I forgot to buy toilet paper. I though about going green, and using cloth napkins, but was quickly disgusted by the thought. (For the record, I think cloth diapers are gross too. ) “What did you use to cleanse your bits?,” you ask. Naturally, I used “Sleek Sensation Cleansing & Makeup Removal Wipes.”
I bought these for the times when I’m too lazy to actually wash my face. The wipes feel and seem a lot like baby wipes, so I figured, “What’s the harm?” The package says they’re “ophthalmogically and dermatologically tested.” I figured, if they’re good for the face, they’re good for my gander.
So I used them, and used them well. I intended daily to go get toilet paper, but still kept forgetting. I guess deep down, I just didn’t have a sense of urgency about the situation. (I suppose I’d wiped away my sense of urgency with aloe and chamomile, with panthenol for tissue repair.) Plus, it seemed kind of indulgent to use these wipes where the sun don’t shine. It’s a recession. I’ll take luxury where I can get it.
Then I finally ran out of the wipes, and I had to get my self together and head to a CVS. I went to the cabinet where I store my shopping bags, and in there were 8 rolls of super-soft, thick TOILET PAPER. They’d been there the whole time.
Sign # 8736 that my life is Sad Panda Sad. (If I wasn’t me, I’d adopt me. To save me from myself.)
Tags: 8 rolls, forgetful, front to back, ingenuity, panthenol, sensation, sensational, skin, sleek, Terence Howard, tested, toilet paper, wipes, wiping
Posted in Bodily Functions, Geniuses, Ha, Life, Technique | 1 Comment »
Big Monday Announcment
Monday, June 22nd, 2009
Jon and Kate…are…having a 9th baby! yeaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Ok, that’s just my evil pipe dream.
What is true, and awesome, is the
PUNCH YOUR FACE OPEN MIC
Tuesday, June 23, starts at 7:30pm, but you’re free to wander in whenever!
@Brick NYC
22 Warren Street
(in Tribeca. Mere steps from either the Chambers or City Hall stops.)
It’s a celebration of laughter, The Llama, and the summer solstice.
Be there!
Tags: Comics, open mic, P.Y.F.O.M., Punch Your Face Open Mi, PYFOM
Posted in Comics, Events you need to attend, For Reals, Geniuses, Ha, You need to go to this | No Comments »
This is what funny looks like.
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
Tags: C.K., Louis, Louis C.K.
Posted in Comics, Geniuses, Ha | No Comments »
LOL OMG U R So Funny! SMP!!
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
I know some of you are funny. Share with the class!
My friend’s hosting an awesome open mic in Tribeca. Come out and make people laugh, chuckle, snicker, giggle, guffaw, stare blankly…it’s up to you.
Punch Your Face Open Mic @ Brick N.Y.C.
22 Warren St.
near the corner of Warren and Church
7:00pm
$4 and 1 drink for 6 minutes
Every Tuesday beginning May 19
Email openmic@punchingllamas.com by the Friday
before the show to secure your slot.(4 minute standby slots
are first come, first served.)
Go here to get more details. Go there to laugh and be laughed with.
Teehee!
The mic stand will be adjustable.
Tags: be funny, funny, open mic
Posted in Ha, You need to go to this | No Comments »
Sign of genius life
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
Who says there are no more geniuses in the world? I mean, I suppose Mark Zuckerberg and Kathy Griffin sort of count, but not until today was I sure that genius still lives.
Case in point – the guy that invented this:
http://www.instructables.com/id/The-Twittering-Office-Chair/
Yes. A chair that tweets your farts.
I, for one, do not fart and therefore will never need this. But I respect it, no, I REVERE it! Farts are funny, tweeting your farts is amazing. People that don’t agree can eat a D. I was raised with a healthy dose of fart humor. It was classy and country club appropriate, of course, but still pretty awesome for a kid. Then, somehow, for three years, I was forbidden to enter the comedic paradise of gas jokes. My now ex-boyfriend hated the word “fart,” said it was worse than any bad word in the world, and did not allow it to be uttered in his presence.
IN-SANE.
I am now free from that abuse, and able to talk about farts all I want. If I want to call my sweet dear old Daddy in Florida and tell him about this horrible stranger fart I walked into in a store, I can! He’ll probably tell me about a “silent but violent” one he ripped on the back 9. He’s old and crazy like that. He’ll probably build a Twittering Office Chair. An invention by geniuses…for geniuses.
Tags: awesome furniture, chair, fart, farts, gas, pfffft, silent but violent, sticks up butts, Twitter
Posted in Bodily Functions, For Reals, Geniuses, Ha | 1 Comment »
Amazibad
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
I did it. I bought “Incredibad,” by The Lonely Island. And…I love it. It does, however, remind me some of my prior work as a “musician.” The contrast is The Lonely Island intended for their songs to be funny, but my dance “music” group, Groove Nation, had no idea what musical jokes we were creating.
With a name like that, we were destined to make only crap. And I wrote most of that crap.
At the time, I was obsessed with “he-done-me-wrong” dance songs.
I’d be pissed at you for cheating on me, but I’d be damned if that pissiness kept me from shakin’ it while I bitched about you.
The songs were hilarious. Sure, at the time, I meant for them to express my pain. Now, these songs make me pee a little.
Case Study: Groove Nation’s (not) hit song “Deception”
“Deception” is a song about my suffering at the hand of some dishonest boy, set to a roller-rink-ready beat so perfect, you can almost hear the DJ announce “All skate!”
To this day, I can’t remember who the boy was, or what he did. But, judging by the lyrics in this hot mess, it must have involved wigs, costumes, code names and the other requisite elements of a sinister plan. (Ok, so until recently, I actually used a tiny snippet of this song in a demo as a sample of my vocal work. I have stopped smoking whatever it was that made that seem like a good idea. No more senor.)
High (aka Low) Points:
-The fake breathy British accent. The back-up whispers. The abuse of a Sir Walter Scott quote. (”What a tangled we weave” when we use time-honored wisdom in useless dance songs.) I am sorry Sir. I am so very very sorry.
-The Rap/Not-Rap: It rhymes. It’s sort of to the beat. It’s essentially spoken word. (Which I hate.)
deception-part-2-mp3
The Lonely Island can try, but they’ll never come up with anything this stupid.
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My Open Thank You Note
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
I was going to do an open letter. Everyone LOVES writing open letters. (See any Gawker website. They do one at least once a week.) I decided, instead, to take a different approach. One of gratitude. This is my open thank you note.
Dear Every Stranger (usually male) that’s Ever Commented on my Posterior:
I would like to thank you for all the times you’ve been there for me, to remind me of so many things I’ve forgotten about that which I carry behind me.
First, thank you for reminding me that it’s there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered “Do I, Monet, have an ass?” and BAM, one of you creeps up from and yells “Damn, you’ve got an ASS!” Mystery solved. Thanks guy!
I thank you for never letting me forget what various fruits, sports equipment and household items my ass resembles. “Girl, yo’ ass is like two fine throw pillows.” “You know what your ass looks like? Like a watermelon. A watermelon with a crack.” “Dude, I could shoot free throws with that ass.”
If I ever run out of similes and metaphors for my butt, I will come to you. But I don’t think I ever will, because you’re always right freakin’ there with one. Gracias hombre.
Finally, thank you for letting me know that its proportions somewhat defy reason. Although I’ve been there with it through thin and thick, I tend to forget exactly how it looks.
I distinctly remember the day I knelt down and prayed to God for two things: 1. Guess jeans and 2. A bubble butt to fill out those Guess jeans, just like all the country-fried cheerleaders at my country-fried middle school.
But, you know what? I never really noticed if God answered that prayer. Not until you, guy, pointed it out.
“Your waist is like really small compared to your butt.” “Your butt is like kinda big compared to your waist.” “You’re shaped like a Coke bottle. Like a 12 oz. Coke bottle sitting on top of a two liter Coke bottle.” Merci monsieur.
Note: this is truly 0% bitterness, 100% appreciation. I’m cool with me, cool with my bum. We all can look a little better, but I’m ok with how things have worked out so far. What I’m really thankful for, however, is all the thoughtful commentary you, the viewers, have provided. Thank you losers. One and all.
Kisses,
Mo
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“Helping Poor People” Fail
Friday, January 30th, 2009
Woman at work in charge of Superbowl Squares: “Hey, can you buy like 5 more squares? We still have like 25 more to go!”
Monet: “You know what we should do? Just write the names of different charities in the squares! Then, if a charity’s square wins, we’ll donate the money to that charity. Give me a sec’ to come up with a list.”
Monet’s co-worker that loves food: “That’s retarded! Let’s just write ‘wings’ or ‘pizza’or ‘cart’ in those squares, and if they win, then we use the $ to buy food for our lunch. We can have a wing or pizza party.”
And…now we have food squares. AND an elaborate formula for determining what portion of the food you will be entitled to based on the number of squares you purchased.
Charity fail.
(Kisses to www.failblog.org. Nothing brightens up a day like seeing someone fail.)
Posted in Ha | 1 Comment »
People that I’m Pretty Sure Have Done a Lil Sumthin-sumthin for Satan
Friday, January 30th, 2009
hence their amazing results…
1. Ne-Yo
2. Mayor Bloomberg
3. Angelina Jolie
4. Madonna
5. Peyton/Eli Manning (Someone in that family made a deal with the devil.)
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