Archive for the ‘Technique’ Category
That is Not a Compliment
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
Over time, people have said things to me which they think are nice things to say, but are not. Perhaps these people suffer from a lack of perspective, or context, or vocabulary. In any event, they should know better. If they don’t, they should read this and any future posts about this topic (as I’m sure this will keep happening.)
Enjoy these initial examples. (Misery loves company.)
-”That was nice. Were you happy with that performance?” (after one of my band’s shows)
-”Your new hair looks a lot like Ashlee Simpson’s.” (That was today. The wound is still fresh.)
-”I’ve always preferred full-figured girls like you.”
-”That’s neat how you’re wearing that as a dress.”
-”Wow. That joke was, um, emotional. It kinda looked like you were gonna cry up there.”
-”I just love how your whole attitude toward life is, like, ‘I just don’t care.’ ”
*Also, anything preceded by “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
STOP saying things like this. They are not pleasant.
Just a friendly reminder from Miss Meaux, Manners Maven.
Say nicer things, please.
Tags: Ashlee Simpson, band, cry, dress, full-figured, hair, I care, I care a lot, I'm a Care Bear, it is a dress, laugh, not a shirt, shirt
Posted in Ex Life, For Reals, Life, People on the Train, Technique | No Comments »
If One Just One Person Did the Right Thing
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
I remember my Mommy and Daddy telling me that it just takes one person to stand up for what is right to affect change. (I think I’ve explained why I still call them that somewhere in an earlier post. If not, lets chat and I’ll tell you why. I’ll get to avoid a little work. You’ll wish for that 15 minutes of your life back.MonetXLS)
Their idea was a little bit of hope, a lot of crap. Same crap as “You can do whatever you set your mind to.” (I still can’t manage to win MegaMillions and Lord knows I’ve set my mind to that.) It definitely takes more than one person to change a lot of situations, but there’s one situation in particular that may just prove their theory.
One of my favorite albums is Portishead’s “Roseland NYC Live.” Love it. Want to marry it. I named my kitty (r.i.p.) ”Madison Portishead.” (I almost added “Chromeo” to her name when she was like 12, but that’s a whole other story. One that I once told David Macklovitch from Chromeo, which elicted the most horrified face I’ve ever seen. Royally blew that Dave-1 encounter.)
Anyway, during the song “Roads,” someone decides to start clapping along. Said clapping was not really necessary…it rarely is. But, sometimes it can be a nice touch on a live recording, if done correctly. In this case, it’s a disaster from the get-go because that person decides to clap on the ONE. And the TWO,THREE AND FOUR. And people join in! Even if you don’t play music, you have to feel in your bones how wrong it all is. It would be laughable if it wasn’t a zit on an otherwise perfect album.
The concept of a “group mind” was promoted by Gabriel Tarde and Gustave Le Bon, French social psychologists. (Go learn something.) I doubt even they imagined something as bad as what these people did to “Roads.”
If just one person, maybe a soulful person or a former high school drum major, clapped on the correct beats, he or she could have maybe changed history. Also, then I wouldn’t be so annoyed whenever I get to that point in the record.
I know, it’s been over 10 years.You’d think I’d be immune to it by now. But are you immune to homelessness even though it’s been around for years? Are you immune to war just because it keeps happening? Well, this is essentially the same thing: an atrocity about which we should never forget.
END IMPROPER BODY PERCUSSION t-shirts coming soon!
ClapClapClapClap
[The offending clapping isn't as apparent in this video , but on the record, it's like knives between your toes. Don't let it stop you from buying it., though. After about 4.2 grillion listens, I can vouch for its shear beauty.]
Tags: ADD, bad clapping, Chromeo, clapping, Dave-1, I digress, I keep digressing, just one person, Madison Portishead, my dead cat, one, people with no rhythm, Portishead, rhythm has one "y", Roads, Roseland NYC Live, whining
Posted in For Reals, Geniuses, Technique | No Comments »
Sad Panda Sadness
Monday, July 6th, 2009
Some things are sad. Some things are “Sad Panda sad.” “Sad Panda sad” is an adorable kind of sad. The kind of sad that still makes the corners of your mouth turn up, just so. Such was the week I didn’t have toilet paper.
I ran out of tp, and put “buy more tp” on my mental list of things to do. My mental list also includes: ways to eat more protein while eating less food, witty yet disarming things I’ll say to Ryan Gosling when we finally meet, the names of our kids, people to leave out of my Emmy/Oscar/Grammy acceptance speeches because they suck, and a reminder to check and see if there’s an Olympic sport in which my flexibility would be considered a winning asset…other than gymnastics. Point is, when things get on my mental list, they can easily get lost.
So, hour after hour, I forgot to buy toilet paper. I though about going green, and using cloth napkins, but was quickly disgusted by the thought. (For the record, I think cloth diapers are gross too. ) “What did you use to cleanse your bits?,” you ask. Naturally, I used “Sleek Sensation Cleansing & Makeup Removal Wipes.”
I bought these for the times when I’m too lazy to actually wash my face. The wipes feel and seem a lot like baby wipes, so I figured, “What’s the harm?” The package says they’re “ophthalmogically and dermatologically tested.” I figured, if they’re good for the face, they’re good for my gander.
So I used them, and used them well. I intended daily to go get toilet paper, but still kept forgetting. I guess deep down, I just didn’t have a sense of urgency about the situation. (I suppose I’d wiped away my sense of urgency with aloe and chamomile, with panthenol for tissue repair.) Plus, it seemed kind of indulgent to use these wipes where the sun don’t shine. It’s a recession. I’ll take luxury where I can get it.
Then I finally ran out of the wipes, and I had to get my self together and head to a CVS. I went to the cabinet where I store my shopping bags, and in there were 8 rolls of super-soft, thick TOILET PAPER. They’d been there the whole time.
Sign # 8736 that my life is Sad Panda Sad. (If I wasn’t me, I’d adopt me. To save me from myself.)
Tags: 8 rolls, forgetful, front to back, ingenuity, panthenol, sensation, sensational, skin, sleek, Terence Howard, tested, toilet paper, wipes, wiping
Posted in Bodily Functions, Geniuses, Ha, Life, Technique | 1 Comment »
Little Christopher Sheridan Bleecker-Wallstreet
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
That’s the name of my Subway Baby. My Subway Baby appears when I want a seat on the train. Oh, and I can only really have the Subway Baby in the winter. See, when I get on the train, I switch up my stance so my pelvis sticks out. With a coat/jacket on, this makes you look a little bigger in the middle. Then, I put my hand(s) on my ”belly”, rub it and start giving a puppy dog look to people around me. Acting hot and/or achy also helps. When I notice there’s a real pregnant person on the platform with me, I step up my game and shove my hat/scarf in my jacket when she’s not looking. Then, my hand goes on the small of my back. I play to win. 
It’s amazing how quickly people slide over or defer to me to take an empty seat. I’ve even had people get up and give me their seats. When you think about, what do actual pregnant people do differently than the rest of women to deserve VIP seating everywhere? NOTHING. Why should the rest of us be punished for remembering to take our Pill?
Tags: baby, belly, fake baby, Pill, sitting, strategery, strategy, uterus
Posted in Technique | 1 Comment »