Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Bonafide Moment
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
This weekend, I had a chance to meet one of my biggest pop star crushes. We’re talking a Write-Your-First-Name-and-His-Last-Initial crush. This, of course, is Jon B: Rhode Island’s soulful songbird that brought you such hits as “They Don’t Know,” “Are U Still Down.” While an amazing singer/songwriter, Mr. B was not known for, um, intricate videos. They were pretty basic. Jon B on a car. Jon B on a chair. Jon B in a hat. But one video stuck in mind because it tried to be complex, but only succeeded in making me laugh uncontrollably. I feel horrible for saying this, but it was just really bad. Even Jon B’s butt-cut hair and linen ensemble couldn’t convince this video is anything but a film-school disaster. Please watch and learn. (If you can’t watch the whole thing, at least watch from 4:30 to the end. It’s crucial to this story.)
\”Pretty Girl\” Jon B (The video can’t be embedded, but believe me, it’s worth the jump.)
Yes. The “Have You Seen My Sketches? Scene” HAS to be the WORST in music video history! Who would do this to my beautiful boy?! (I tried to track down the name of the director to blame, but I wasn’t able to. He has hidden himself in shame as he should.)
I walked away from watching this video with the same thought each time: If I ever meet Jon B, I absolutely MUST ask him, “Have you seen my sketches?” I knew if I ever did, it could be funny, or go horribly wrong. (Wrong like the actress was his girlfriend or best friend’s sister or something.) Either way, it had to be done.
And this weekend, it was put-up or shut-up time. There I was, mere feet away from the Jon the Don Juan himself, and it chance was drawing nigh. Lately, I’ve become a believer in the philosophy of “Why not?!” So, I went for it.
The following is the play-by-play:
Me: “There’s one thing I’ve been waiting my whole life to say to you.”
Jon B: [incredulously] “Yeah? What’s that?”
Me: [Deadpan. Monotone. Stupid expression. Just like the girl in the video…whose dialogue was DUBBED by the way] “Have you seen my sketches?”
Jon B looks at me confused, and then looks up, as if he was scrolling through the database of genius in his mind until he recognized the reference. Eureka!
Anything for a laugh..I'll even make this face
Jon B: “Yo! Haahaahaaha! That girl was wack yo! She was soo bad!”
Me: That could NOT have been the best take!
(Ok, maybe he was tipsy. That's STILL a laugh.)
Still sort of amused
Jon B: No, it was. It was so awful. Wack! I can’t believe you said that. Yo, you’re funny.”
Annnnnd Monet dies and goes to heaven.
As much as I appreciate someone thinking I’m ok to look at, I am MUCH more thrilled when someone laughs…or even listens when I say something. This was above and beyond.
In a way, making Jon B laugh was on my bucket list. Check.
An 18 year mission...accomplished.
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Melissa the Nail Tech
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
That’s my alter-ego. She’s a sweet girl. Unlike me, never sarcastic or cynical.Doesn’t make jokes, but will laugh at anything. She never acknowledges that someone’s being skeevy. You could say the most
foul thing to Melissa the Nail Tech, and she’d just reply, “You’re kind! Thank you!”
As you could probably tell from the name, Melissa the Nail Tech does nails for a living. Not ashamed of it, nor should she be. It’s an honest living and, frankly, Melissa is an artist. And when Melissa
senses that a conversation is going to a bad place, she starts talking incessantly about the different designs she’s done on fingers and how she can do the same on toes but needs to take more time because
toes are completely different from fingers.
Melissa the Nail Tech doesn’t know a lot of bands, but she likes all kinds of music. Like John Mayer, Dave Matthews, and rap, especially Flo-rida. Rap sounded the most awesome in her Mitsubishi Eclipse that she used to have. Her ex got her 10’s for her trunk for their 6 mo. anniversary.
When Melissa the Nail Tech was in college, Metropolitan Academy of Beauty, she got like really good grades. She scored the highest on the Advanced Cuticle Management exam, and still has the framed certificate for that.
She really wants to get married and have three kids, because three’s the perfect number. But she hopes it doesn’t make her fat. Whatever, she can get lipo and stuff because her husband’s gonna have a
good job, like selling insurance or something so they can afford to get her plastic surgery.
What made me think of my alter-ego Melissa? (Other than the fact that some days I wish I was anyone else but me?) I forgot I was Melissa recently, until someone said “Hi Melissa! How’ve you been?” to me on the train. I struggled to figure out why they’d say that, but then my little secret came to mind. Duh, Monet!
Sometimes you go out and act 100% opposite of how you really are!
Dont worry. I don’t have multiple personality disorder. I’m not bi-polar. Just bi-polar-curious.
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And someone’s gonna have their babies…
Friday, June 19th, 2009
My friend and I were innocently walking home from Pinkberry the other night. (Sorry Red Mango. You were too far away at the time. I still love you more.)
We stopped to look at dresses in a window, because that’s what girls do. We look at dresses in windows, complain about periods and tasteless fat-free cupcakes, and cry.
While were were paused in front of that window, this cab pulls up and three Jersey Tools in the back seat yell, “Hey ladies! euthwoeiruberitalrdkfgjhailrtuabliufgvblairutgvbalitblifugblaiet!”
(I have no idea what the second phrase was. I was born in NJ, but have been away for quite some time, so I no longer speak the language.)
I guess we should have just turned around and ignored them, but I really thought they needed directions or something. So, I say, “I’m sorry, I missed that. ” Then Jersey Tool #4 yells from the front seat,
“You got SERVED!” And they rode off.
Sure?
Servin’ like waiters.
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Act a fool
Friday, June 19th, 2009
Just got an email from an old friend, in which he reminded me of one of my funnier karaoke-related moments.
(It’s sad that I have multiple “karaoke-related moments,” but I did live in Tampa for a very long time. Those happen.) It was a few years ago, and the thing to do every Thursday was to go to this pub called Macdinton’s. This place would fit in on the UES, and so would many of the people. Nothing against it, but definitely a crowd that kept American Eagle, Hollister and Reef in business.
Anyway, at the time, my now ex-roommate was not quite my boyfriend yet. I thought he knew by then that I’d do anything for a laugh, but apparently not.
So, there we are, me and my fool friends, and he and his brah friends. My friend Derek and I signed up to “perform.” I guess the boy thought I was going to actually sing, and rounded up all his friends to be there to see it, bragging about what a I great voice he thought I had. I think he imagined his new ladyfriend belting out some Leann Rhimes or maybe some Xtina.
Thing was, Derek and I didn’t sing. Instead, we tore up the 1994 classic “Tootsee Roll.” It was monumental. We weren’t those idiots that got up and botched lyrics. Nope. 100% on point. Especially my expert inflection on, “A brand new dance SO, grab yo partner and git on the dance FLO.” If you closed your eyes, you would have thought the 69 Boyz were actually there.
Thing is, not closed their eyes. My friends enjoyed our musical stylings, and D’s sensual demonstration of the Tootsee Roll. However, the now ex-roommate could not have been horrified. It was hilarious! He had this look on his face like I’d killed his puppy and ate it. Just stood there shaking his head as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a face that embodied disappointment like that before, or since. (Probably was a sign, but you live, you learn.)
Point is, if someone can’t appreciate you honoring any one of the great party jams of the 90’s, they can get to steppin’.
Below is my preeminent 1990s booty jam performance. Sadly, I’m in this video somewhere. No need for specifics.
ANNNNNND, the classic itself:
Tags: 69 boyz, 90s jams, act stupid, bootie, bootie jams, dancing, jams, lfo, making people laugh, videos
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And the Hits Just Keep on Coming…
Monday, June 15th, 2009
It’s happening again! The awesome spectacle that is the Punch Your Face Open Mic returns for another amazing week.
Here’s what I want you to do:
1. Ask yourself “Am I funny?”
a. If the answer is yes, then sign up for the Punch Your Face Open Mic and show us! (Go here to get more details.)
b. If the answer is “no,” I’m sorry. But, that’s ok! Come and see some people who are funny.
c. If the answer is “I don’t know,” then it’s actually yes, because you’ve probably unintentionally made a ton of people laugh…at you. So, Come and see some people who know/think they are funny.
2. Bring your pearly whites and show them off as you laugh, guffaw, grimace, whatever through the happy hours known as the PYFOM!!!! Your host, Jason Burke, will make it worth your while. If he doesn’t, the amazing food at Brick NYC will!
This guy knows the PYFOM is funnier than his babymama's huge belly and belly button.
Punch Your Face Open Mic @ Brick N.Y.C.
22 Warren St.
near the corner of Warren and Church
7:30pm (sign up for comics at 7pm)
(Go here to get more details. )
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Does Someone Know Me Better Than I Know Myself?
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
Someone has looked into my soul...
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P.Y.F.O.M. JUNE 9 !!!!!
Monday, June 8th, 2009
“What?! What what?! what what what?!”
Ok, that was me rapping. I’m actually really good at spitting rhymes, and maybe if you come out to the show, I’ll do it for you.
This is where the magic happens
Punch Your Face Open Mic !!
Your host, Jason Burke aka “The Llama”, will take you on a journey through the magical forest into the pure green pastures to graze on blissful blades of comical grass…or something like that.
Punch Your Face Open Mic @ Brick N.Y.C.
22 Warren St.
near the corner of Warren and Church
7:30pm (plenty of time to get there after work ladies and gents!)
(Go here to get more details. )
Slots still may be available! If there are no seats, I have a great lap.
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P.Y.F.O.M. TONIGHT!!!
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
Come on out! No, not you Adam Lambert. You’re totally obvious. Everyone knows. (Except my conservative parents. They think you’re just “dramatic.” Sure, if “dramatic” means “likes balls.” But I digress…)
Come on out to the Punch Your Face Open Mic tonight!!
Punch Your Face Open Mic @ Brick N.Y.C.
22 Warren St.
near the corner of Warren and Church
7:00pm
(Go here to get more details. Go to Brick NYC to laugh and be laughed with.)
Slots still may be available! Seats will be.
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Simple Lessons from a Choo-Choo
Sunday, May 31st, 2009
WooHoooo! Wedding!!
I recently had the pleasure of riding the beautiful Metro North train to a beautiful home in Westchester for a beautiul party. Ok, only two of those three were actually beautiful.
For those of you who don’t live here, the Metro North is like the subway, except people feel it’s ok to make themselves much much more at home. I mean, I saw people take their shoes off and place their naked feet on seats. And since the train is above ground, cell phones work…unfortunately.
So, you take that gabbing and add in salty snacks, and riding the train feels a lot like hanging out in a suburban family room with that family’s most annoying members.
Another riveting feature about this train is the fact that there is
no open container ban,so people drink alcohol while riding. And drink a lot.
This is why I got to witness The Saddest Bachelorette Party I Ever Did See.
Around White Plains, all-aboard come about 8 girls, one wearing a veil, not a one over 22. Alert, alert: we have a childish bride-to-be!
I immediately became depressed for her and her crew.
They were drinking out of white plastic cups through pathetic penis straws.
One girl had a paper Sephora bag full of bottles of beer. Another girl was carrying a bottle of Kahlhua and a bottle of “Molly’s” (like Bailey’s, but not.)
I wanted to warn the bride not to get married. I didn’t know anything about her or her relationship.
I did know that at 22, I thought a lot of really bad things were really good ideas. That is NOT the year to make permanent/legally binding calls.
But, the fantastic group of gays with whom I was traveling warned me not to say a word, specifially making it clear to me, “Those bitches will cut you.”
So, the beers flew out of the Sephora bag, the penis straws got worked over, and then the bride yelled the following:
“Woooohoooooo! Who wants some Kalhua and Bailey’s?!!!” (As she held up the Molly’s.)
I started to talk, but got the stank eye from the boys. I mean, who was this girl and who were her friends and family?!
The basic elements of her bachelorette party were beers (not on ice), fake Bailey’s, and the Metro North train. I’d venture to say the basic elements of the rest of her life may not be top-shelf either.
But, as we rolled up to Grand Central Station, and the bride-to-be puked in the nearest trash can on the platform, I realized something. She’ll be just fine. If the marriage sucks, she can just throw it up/out/whatever, hit that great liquour store of love, and get drunk enough to make another bad decision someday.
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The 1st Ever Punching
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
To all of you who came out to the very Punch Your Face Open Mic at Brick NYC, in person and in spirit, many thanks and hugs and kisses. The comics who cam out were great and I’m pretty sure I peed my pants a little. Jason Burke (www.punchingllamas.com) was an amazing host and when you swing out to the next installment of the mic, June 2 at 7pm, you can experience the madness for yourself! Again, come out ! 7pm! June 2! Brick NYC! Warren and Church! I’ll stop with the exclamation points now.
This woman died laughing.
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